I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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