I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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