I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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