life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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