im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
