I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
