i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
