Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Someone shit on the floor
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
