i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
