this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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