Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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