It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
