everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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