You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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