my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
