Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
