I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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