I accidentally had phone sex last night
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
vagina is talking i cant
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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