I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
