if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
