Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
