I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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