If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
