2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
