i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
