Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
