I'm passing your future prison.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
