If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
