I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
