textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
