Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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