just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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