i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
