I just saw a hot homeless man
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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