what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
