so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
