THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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