Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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