Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
