I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
