Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
