Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
