Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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