it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
