My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
