I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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