He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
