i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
