My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
