why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
