This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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