Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
