I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
