Where are you?
In a non slutty way
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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