you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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