Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
