I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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