don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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