well you can't waste a boner
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize