I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
