Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
