Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
