you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
